


Breathing

by schrodingersbee



Category: SPN, Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dead not Dead, Depressed Sam, M/M, Sad Sam, relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-11
Updated: 2016-01-17
Packaged: 2018-05-13 06:54:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5699110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/schrodingersbee/pseuds/schrodingersbee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Gabriel dies Sam only blames himself and as days go on Dean isnt sure he can save Sam alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Breathless

It had been weeks since the events at the Elysian Fields Hotel. Weeks since Sam could breathe.

“Sam leave him this is something he needs to do. You should understand that now lets go before your recklessness costs us anymore” Dean tried to pull his brother into the car.

Only moments ago they were ready to leave. Dean was sure for once he and his brother could have a little peace from the chaos. Gabriel was finally not being a dick so leaving him to stand up for himself to his brother was the best option. That’s what dean thought.

“Dean he is throwing everything which is his life away for us, hes coming out of hiding for us. I will not leave him in there alone”

“Why? Sam what can we do which he cant? Just like you he wanted to go against his family and stand for what he believes in why cant you let him do this alone ?!” For a moment Dean thought Sam could see sense and would come with him.

“Because he never wanted to be alone and I wont allow him to be”. Sam ran into the hotel ignoring the shouts from his brother.

After all Gabriel had done to him Sam still cared for the angel. He had let him leave once and Sam wasn’t going to do it again.

But the room was too quite when he got to the room where Sam was sure the two brothers were. Then he saw it. His angel gone. Wings burnt into the ground never to fly again.

“Oh Gabriel, oh god I should of been quicker this is my fault I should of told you I shouldn't of let you go alone. Dean is right this is my fault, my recklessness..” Sams tears wouldn't stop even when Dean stood sadly by the door.

“I love you Gabriel please don’t leave me please I am sorry” Dean managed to separate his brother from the hotel but he knew he was hurt too much to talk. Dean worried if Sam was ever going to be well enough to talk.


	2. Breath of life

It all happened so fast. One moment he was going to stand up to his dick of a brother and the next a bright light and now nothing, just being.Gabriel had seen a lot of things in his life time, which happened to be extremely large, where ever he was now was new. And that worried him.

He was dead. He felt it. The blade, the pain and his grace fading.Yet there he was.

Gabriel wasn't bothered by his brothers actions, he kind of knew Lucifer wouldn't fall for the old double trick but despite everything he couldn't find it in him to kill his brother. The brother that he admired and was cared for by. 

But in doing so he failed Sam. Left him alone now with just Cas and Deans support. Gabriel didn't know when he started caring so much for the youngest Winchester but he does know that the feeling was too strong to be just interest.

The indecency, the rebellion against his family, his good looks and his intelligence was just a few of the factors Gabriel found in Sam. The archangel could write epic poems and ballads on just his hair alone.

The way Sam just kept coming back still with a heart after every let down amazed the angel. 

And for a moment Gabriel thought he heard his Winchester crying. _His_ Winchester.

 


	3. Asphyxiation

Time was no longer relevant to Sam, why should it matter any more?

He spent a long time after finding Gabriels empty vessel in a daydream like state where he didnt eat, sleep or talk.Dean tried to involve his brother in things even if it meant trying to have a talk about his feelings. Nothing did it. Sam was like a zombie.

"Come on Sam it'l be fun. Just a salt and burn something to get back with normality, well our version of normal" Dean had just found the case and thought it would do his brother some good.

Sam wasnt in the mood for hunting, why try when he couldnt even protect the person he loved the most. He felt worse than when he was soulless because he could not help think it was his fault. Gabriel sacrificed himself for him of course it was his fault. The archangel didnt care for the youngest Winchester that much, how could he? Sam was an abomination to say the least, no it was just his sense of justice returning to the angel after so long being Loki.

And Sam had betrayed any trust between the two and had used it.

The ride to the house currently haunted by the old mistress of the houses original owner. The ghost had killed the two children of the current owners. And painted the walls with their blood. When the two hunters first went into the main dinning room Dean nearly threw up. 

On the wall in a child like style family was drawn in blood. Completed with a sun and trees 2 adults and one small figure which resembled a child stood smiling. 

Blood Dean could take, god knows he saw enough of it in hell. But the chunks of flesh stuck to the wall filling the room with the stench of rotten flesh he could not.

Sam just stood there. He knew he should of felt disgusted but he no longer cared. What was the point the two children were already dead. 

The night was their typical job when defending two idiots and a baby from a manic ghost. The oldest Winchester thought that even though Sam wasnt acting like he cared least he wasnt just starring at a wall. But normally being the kinder of the two it worried Dean how much Sam just wasnt feeling. 

At midnight the ghost came for the baby, which slept quite well unlike the other guests of the house. The ghost had gotten past Dean and before Sam acted to the danger it had threw him at a wall.

Whilst Dean dealt with the case Sam found himself feeling fuzzy and thats when he heard it.

"Oh Sammy boy look at you"

The sickening sound of Lucifers voice came from a shadow to the left of Sam

"Couldnt even defeat a ghost, no wonder you got Gabriel killed" Dean didnt react to Lucifers words so Sam accepted he must be hearing things.

"Hearing things? almost like your mad Sammy my lad. A mad little mistake nobody ever wanted." His voice got harder to ignore and increased with volume with ever vemonous word.

"You know what Gabriel couldnt love you, too much of a disgrace. A mistake. No he couldnt bare the sight of you! And look what you did!" 

Sam brought his knees to his face when he felt wetness at his eyes. It was true all of it.

"YOU GOT HIM KILLED, YOUR THE REASON WHY HIS DEAD" Lucifer was screaming so loud Sam could no longer hear the background noise of Dean talking to the survivers. 

"HES DEAD AND ITS YOUR FAULT" With the fallen angels last words darkness took over Sam who had felt like every drop of air in his lungs just faded as he realised something.

Sam Winchester didnt deserve to be alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry if this is bad x


	4. Realization

After wandering round aimlessly all over the world Gabriel realised what he was doing. He was trying to avoid the Winchesters. Well only one.

The angel was sure he didnt dream Sam finding him after Lucifer stabbed him. He was sure he didnt think up the cold tears that had fell on his face nor the loving embrace.

But it had been ages since his death, surely they wouldnt think it was all a trickster scheme? Would they be mad? Would Sam be disappointed?

"Well only one way to find out" Gabriel commented to himself before clicking his fingers to take himself to the run down motel that the brothers had been staying in over the last few days. 

The sight that met him sent a chill through his grace. Not anger nor madness, not even happiness greeted him. No when Gabriel looked into the youngest Winchesters eyes he saw no emotion, not even surprise. 

"Hey Sammykins" The archangel hesitated to step closer but instead looked at the rest of the still human.

Sams skin was grey and tight over his bones,  _bones_ , which held no fat like he hadnt eaten in days. His hair was dirty and his clothes looked like the had been worn for a few days if not weeks. Then his eyes were the worst thing Gabriel could spot wrong.

They were just empty. No passion, no feeling nothing.

"Hes been like that since Lucifer well killed you." Deans voice sounded from the table near the window where he sat drinking a coffee. "Been like a zombie since then. Not even gonna ask how your back"

"Nice to see you again Dean what happened to Sam?" The ex trickster kept his eyes on his Winchester not at all liking the unresponsive shell of the once passionate man.

"He loves you Gabriel" The angel snapped his head towards the older brother "When what happened well happened it destroyed him. Hasnt eaten, hasnt slept and barely moves. I dunno what to do whenever I try he freaks. Probably best you dont touch him. I was going to wait till Castiel comes and ask him to check it out".

Gabriel sat on Deans bed as Sam just watched the wall.

"I could I mean check inside his head, just to see whats the matter I mean I didnt think he would be like this and I well I want no need to ..."

"Go ahead Gabriel I know you love him too. But I swear if you fix this then hurt him again I will kill you. Look what happened at your supposed death I dont think Sam could take any more heart break."

Leaning over Gabriel hovered his fingers over Sams forehead before whispering "Its going to be ok Sammybear, just going to take a look, Ive got you hun"

 


	5. Breath in a kiss

To say inside Sams head was a mess, was to be down sizing it. Gabriel could feel the sadness and self hatred that had taken root in the Winchester.

"Sam?" Gabriel whispered at the sight of his human. 

Sat shivering in a dark corner of his own mind was Sam Winchester looking so much worse than he had out in the real world. He looked so scared that Gabriel felt his grace jump to defend him from any unwanted presence. 

"You pathetic idiot!" Gabriel could recognise his brothers voice anywhere and the sight of Sam not even flinching made the angel realise this wasnt an uncommon thing, or not lately.

"You think he could of loved you! A mess of an abomination?" The once blurry figure now stood tall over Sam with features clearing to Gabriel. The fallen angel continued shouting at the whimpering Winchester whilst kicking him in the stomach repeatedly. 

"Why would anyone love you?" Gabriel couldnt move. Not in shock but more like horror.

"You kill everything you care about, Its your fault he is dead" The archangel snapped out of his trance like state when Lucifer screamed "I WOULDNT OF EVEN KILLED HIM IF IT WERE NOT FOR YOU, HOW COULD GABRIEL EVER EVEN CARE ABOUT YOU"

Without realising it Gabriel had summoned his sword and ran to his older brother. With a swing of his blade and a flash of Grace Lucifer was ripped from Sam's mind. Luckily for the said human the remaining archangel realised him mistake and covered him head to toe with one of his golden now visible wings.

"Sammy!" Gabriel fell to hold the cold mess of person. "Listen Sam Im not dead you have to believe me. He is gone now, its just us. My death was my fault, I didnt think Lucifer would go to such lengths but I guess I should of expected it with how much of a dick he is" Now sat on the floor Gabriel rocked Sam in a sort of hug.

"Listen Sammykins you hurt I know and it will take time to get you back to your self destructive self but Im prepared to help all the way. I love you Sam Winchester!" After the words left the angels mouth he felt a warm and soft pair of lips against his own. With the fluttering of wings they left Sams mind.

"As much as I am happy you guys realised each others.. feelings. GET A ROOM" Sam chuckled at the complaints of his brother as he finally felt like he found his missing piece.

He could finally breath again.

**Author's Note:**

> First time writing fanfiction in a long time so I apologise if its bad.
> 
> Tumblr: consultingravenclawhunter


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